MY TESTIMONY

I have been used, bruised, abused, and accused by the world! Today I will not allow anyone to use me except for GOD. It’s his turn!!!! So here it goes… 

There must be something wrong with me, right?

All my adult life I have heard people say that you have a God sized hole in your heart and the

only thing that will fill that is God. What does that mean? What are they talking about I would try to understand it but couldn’t. 

So, then the cycle began. I tried to fill that God sized hole with attention from men. Which brought me shame.

Then I tried to fill that God sized hole with alcohol. Along with that came anxiety and more shame. You weren’t raised that way. Something must be wrong with me, right? I only gained shame and anxiety.

Next, I tried to fill that God sized hole with a job. I became an overachiever with shame and anxiety. Climbing the ladder of success. I added the love of money to the shame and anxiety. It didn’t fill that God size hole in my heart. There is obviously something wrong with me, right?

Next, I tried to fill that God sized hole with drugs. I was now an addict with a love of money in bondage to addiction full of guilt and shame and anxiety. You weren’t raised that way. There is something wrong with me, right?

I was released from prison but never felt free. I am going to straighten out my life! So, I tried to fill that God sized hole with that job again. All the while climbing the ladder of success with a need to be the best. So, I became an overachieving lover of money who was a convicted felon in bondage in a self-made prison of guilt and shame. Who was depressed and full of anxiety. What is wrong with me? I am never satisfied. There is obviously something wrong with me, right? 

I sought help from a professional. A psychologist will definitely know what’s wrong with me, right? 

Next, I tried filling that God sized hole in my heart with crime to feed my addiction. Which sent me to prison. Now I am a convicted felon in bondage full of guilt shame and anxiety. I added depression.

Something is definitely wrong with me, right?

Next, I tried to fill that God sized hole in my heart with friends. Only to become a people pleasing lover of money in bondage a prisoner of fear, depression, guilt, and shame.

Next, I tried to fill that God sized hole with 12 step meetings and addiction treatment. Those worked for a while, but I still had that God sized hole in my heart.

Next, I tried to fill that God sized hole in my heart by helping others who are caught in that trap called addiction.  I tried to fill that God sized hole in my heart with education. I took every course or class on addiction that I possibly could so I could be certified by the state to help others. All the while still a convicted felon who was a people pleasing lover of money in bondage a prisoner of fear with even more guilt and shame anxiety and depression. An educated phony and fraud. 

I failed miserably. How could I help others when I wasn’t even capable of helping myself? What is wrong with me? Am I morally corrupt? Am I demon possessed?

There is something very very wrong with me. I wasn’t raised this way, right?

When the men, the alcohol, the friends, the drugs, the doctors, the treatment center could no longer numb the pain, I couldn’t take anymore, right?

I screamed and cried and begged God to take my life. When he wouldn’t do that, I attempted suicide. I woke up on life support and was now under court order to go to a mental institution. Dear God, what have I done. I am going to hell, right?

Once released from the mental institution I was now a mentally incompetent convicted felon people pleasing overachieving certified by the state peer support specialist. Capable of working at any mental institution, hospital, prison system or treatment center. Capable of making very good money. I was now fearful of myself. Mentally ill and not capable of even caring for my own basic needs. This was in March of 2023. 

I can’t take anymore God!!! I am hopeless you understand, right? I began to search for any pastor, preacher, or priest who would tell me that God would not send me to hell if I took my own life. I am suffering God wouldn’t send me to hell, right? I couldn’t find one.

I tried to commit suicide 4 more times in 2023 but God would not take my life. Why? Because of the prayers and fasting of others God would not take my life. 

I cried and grieved, as if someone had died, for months. People asked what’s wrong? And I couldn’t explain it. I had lost my ability to talk to conversate with anyone. I needed to be with my Mama who convinced me to seek help after about 2 months. I reached out to a psychiatrist and counselor. I got honest with God myself and others. I slowly began to heal. In January of this year 2024 I quietly reached out to the Lord. I turned my will over to him. I finally totally surrendered. I began to attend church online twice a week. I studied and read Gods word every day. I took notes and prayed. Then quietly The Holy spirit came into my heart and cleaned it up. I am no longer hopeless. I have been delivered from fear and addiction and self. Praise God today I am happy joyous and free. Still educated in addiction treatment and now studying Gods word. I am no longer in bondage or a prisoner of fear. Praise God I have been set free. Now I can help others. I can testify to the goodness of God, and I can witness about the miracles that he is doing in my life every single day. 

That God sized hole in my heart has finally been filled. I give God all of the glory and praise. He most certainly deserves it. Please keep me in your prayers as I start a homeless ministry. It will be called “Hope for Hearts’” Homeless ministry. Pray for me as I go out into my community and witness and testify to others. As I become an advocate prayer warrior for the less fortunate hurting children of God in my own community. Because he loves each one of his children. Pray that I can love them like Jesus.

God bless,

 Sherry H.

5/25/24